"Is There Anything I Can Do to Help?"
Suggestions from Friends and Relatives of the Grieving Survivor
Yes, there is much that you can do to help. Simple things. This guide suggests the kinds of attitudes, words, and acts, which are truly helpful. The importance of such help can hardly be overstated. Bereavement can be a life-threatening condition, and your support may make a vital difference in the mourner's eventual recovery.
Perhaps you do not feel qualified to help. You may feel uncomfortable and awkward. Such feelings are normal - don't let them keep you away. If you really care for your sorrowing friend or relative, if you can enter a little into his or her grief, you are qualified to help. In fact, the simple communication of the feelings of caring is probably the most important and helpful thing anyone can do. The following suggestions will guide you in communicating that care.
- Get in touch. Telephone. Speak either to the mourner or to someone close and ask when you can visit and how you might help. Even if much time has passed, it's never too late to express your concern.
- Say little on an early visit. In the initial period (before burial), your brief embrace, your press of the hand, your few words of affection and feeling may be all that is needed.
- Avoid cliches and easy answers. "He is out of pain" and "Aren't you lucky that..." are not likely to help. A simple "I'm sorry" is better.
- Be yourself. Show your natural concern and sorrow in your own way and in your own words.
- Keep in touch. Be available. Be there. If you are a close friend or relative, your presence might be needed from the beginning. Later, when close family may be less available, anyone's visit and phone call can be very helpful.
- Attend to practical matters. Find out if you are needed to answer the phone, usher in callers, prepare meals, clean the houses, care for the children, etc. This kind of help lifts burdens and creates a bond. It might be needed well beyond the initial period, especially for the widowed.
- Encourage others to visit or help. Usually one visit will overcome a friend's discomfort and allow him or her to contribute further support. You might even be able to schedule some visitors, so that everyone does not come at once in the beginning and fails to come at all later on.
- Accept silence. If the mourner doesn't feel like talking, don't force conversation. Silence is better than aimless chatter. The mourner should be allowed to lead.
- Be a good listener. When suffering spills over into words, you can do the one thing the bereaved needs above all else at that time - you can listen. Is she emotional? Accept that. Does he cry? Accept that, too. Is she angry at God? God will manage without your defending him. Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Do not rebuke. Do not change the subject. Be as understanding as you can be.